I like having goals: something to work towards; something to tick off; something to count down to; something to make sure that your life stays on track & that everything works out as planned. That makes me sound far more organised than I actually am, but countdowns are my thing.
It’s 2 weeks tomorrow until my IVF appointment at the hospital. It would seem that counting down to this isn’t enough for my baby-obsessed brain and I am spending my spare time (what’s that? Oh, it’s the time that i spend at my desk not doing my job) wondering when I will actually commence the stabbing. Then once I’ve started to wonder that I can’t help but start to calculate the month that my potential spawn would be born. Then I panic and scold myself for getting carried away and worry that the little glimmer of hope that I might actually be a mother next year, will have somehow jinxed the outcome of the IVF cycle. It’s like if I believe that it might happen, then it won’t happen.
So, my question is is there such a thing as too much hope? Am I just setting myself up for a fall if I believe that I might be a mother next year? I like to be a positive person but this whole TTC thang has well and truly sucked my happiness reserves dry and it takes all my strength to simply smile some days.
Yuck. I miss the old me who laughed until she got face ache and talked about what her children would look like without wondering if she would end up adopting or childless.
I’m going to cook myself something nice now to cheer myself up and maybe let a little bit of hope creep in… But not too much.