I’m still here, kind of. The last few weeks have been difficult to say the least.
The period after my failed IVF cycle was like nothing I have ever experienced. I took ibuprofen and used a hot water bottle but that made NO difference. DH made me dinner & I went and laid on my bed with my hot water bottle. I had to call him and ask him to take the food away as I couldn’t stand the smell. I then had to ask him to turn the light off as I couldn’t stand the light. Then he ran me a bath.
Once I got in it & he turned the lights off, he was going to do some work in his office so he made me knock on the wall of the bathroom while he was in the office to see if he could hear me. He could, so he was happy to leave me in the tub, as I could knock if I needed him. The relief from the hot water was instantaneous. I laid back and tipped my head back and let the water lap around my face and all of a sudden out of nowhere came the thought “I could just put my head under and breathe in”. Now I’m not a dramatic person and I would not count this as an actual suicidal thought as I don’t think I would ever do it, however I was deeply disturbed by it and knocked like a mad lady (how apt) and my husband came running. I sobbed uncontrollably, explained what was the matter and asked him to sit with me, which he did.
That was on my OTD. Things have slowly got better since then. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying not to get ahead of myself. I had my first ever counselling session, which was a total waste of time unfortunately. The prevailing emotion this past 2 weeks has been BLAH. At times I am laying on my bed, incapable of moving, and I feel like I am watching myself doing nothing and I start judging myself saying things like “stop being a lazy bitch and go for a run, you’ll feel so much better for it” but then I continue to just lay there, doing nothing & somehow it’s exhausting.
This week I decided that I need to regain my mojo so I decided to re-read the Fifty Shades trilogy. They are written terribly but the over-arching theme is that of unconditional love for your man. That and sex. Lots of sex. So I’m reading the books, loving my man and having lots of sex and I’m starting to feel better. Today we shared a shower and had sex 3 times. This is progress.
Who knows, maybe I’ll get pregnant naturally after a failed IVF cycle cos that happens all the time doesn’t it? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!