Monthly Archives: September 2012

Fifty shades of blah

I’m still here, kind of. The last few weeks have been difficult to say the least.

The period after my failed IVF cycle was like nothing I have ever experienced. I took ibuprofen and used a hot water bottle but that made NO difference. DH made me dinner & I went and laid on my bed with my hot water bottle. I had to call him and ask him to take the food away as I couldn’t stand the smell. I then had to ask him to turn the light off as I couldn’t stand the light. Then he ran me a bath.

Once I got in it & he turned the lights off, he was going to do some work in his office so he made me knock on the wall of the bathroom while he was in the office to see if he could hear me. He could, so he was happy to leave me in the tub, as I could knock if I needed him. The relief from the hot water was instantaneous. I laid back and tipped my head back and let the water lap around my face and all of a sudden out of nowhere came the thought “I could just put my head under and breathe in”. Now I’m not a dramatic person and I would not count this as an actual suicidal thought as I don’t think I would ever do it, however I was deeply disturbed by it and knocked like a mad lady (how apt) and my husband came running. I sobbed uncontrollably, explained what was the matter and asked him to sit with me, which he did.

That was on my OTD. Things have slowly got better since then. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying not to get ahead of myself. I had my first ever counselling session, which was a total waste of time unfortunately. The prevailing emotion this past 2 weeks has been BLAH. At times I am laying on my bed, incapable of moving, and I feel like I am watching myself doing nothing and I start judging myself saying things like “stop being a lazy bitch and go for a run, you’ll feel so much better for it” but then I continue to just lay there, doing nothing & somehow it’s exhausting.

This week I decided that I need to regain my mojo so I decided to re-read the Fifty Shades trilogy. They are written terribly but the over-arching theme is that of unconditional love for your man. That and sex. Lots of sex. So I’m reading the books, loving my man and having lots of sex and I’m starting to feel better. Today we shared a shower and had sex 3 times. This is progress.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get pregnant naturally after a failed IVF cycle cos that happens all the time doesn’t it? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!

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Red blood and a BFN – 6dp5dt

Hello you lovely lot,

Today I see red. Red blood. Not enough to be AF yet, that will be the next couple of days.

Wow. What do you do when the ‘last resort’ fails to work first time? How do you scrape yourself up off the floor & keep going? Well, to be honest , right now I feel OK.

Things to take away from this first cycle:

I had NO side effects from the drugs. NONE.

The injections were a piece of cake. Even the cetrotide that I had to mix myself was easy peasy.

My low dosage produced the expected amount of eggs for mild IVF (2-8). This surely means that when we do it again, my dosage would remain the same. So hopefully no side effects next time either.

We learned that I have endometriosis. Before cycling again I should be able to have this removed by laparostic surgery. Whilst that is not something that I look forward to, it will be nice to be able to harvest eggs from both sides in the future!

Of the 3 mature eggs that they ICSI’d, ALL 3 FERTILISED. This is an incredible statistic. One that made me more happy than anything else.

Sedation for egg retrieval is amazing and next time we know to catch everything that I say on film for the next hour or so afterwards because my subconscious ramblings are HILARIOUS.

Our embryos were excellent quality.

By day 5, our embryos were 12 hours behind expectations. This is probably a useful piece of information. I look forward to discussing it with a doctor at a WTF meeting. I will try to refrain from googling!

I am 27. In 3 months I will turn 28. I probably won’t cycle again this year. I’d like to spend the rest of the year exercising, getting my head around this first failure & sorting out my endo and then start the new year in a better head space than this year.

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Brown blood and a BFN – 5dp5dt

Last night, for the first time, instead of these weird twinges, I felt like I was coming on. It was a proper AF like cramps. It only lasted a few seconds but then I was scared all night. I woke up this morning to lots of brown spotting. There really was quite a lot.

I decided to do an hpt as you never know, it might have cheered me up! It didn’t. Not even a whiff of a line.

Cue lots of tears and dramatics. Husband has gone into work a broken man and I went off to my acupuncture session & text my sister on the way to tell her. The acupuncturist isn’t even remotely concerned & she calmed me right down. When I turned my phone back on my sister had text me an essay on why brown blood is ok & she sent me millions of links to people who had brown blood before a BFP.

Tonight we’re out with friends celebrating the hubster’s birthday. I feel really guilty that he will have a rubbish birthday do now. The blood has stopped for now so fingers crossed it will stay away.

I’m now on my way into work for the first time in ages! Hoping it will be the distraction that I need.

I never thought this was going to be easy, but wow.

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Fighting the urge to test – 4dp5dt

Today is the last of my days off work. I scheduled an acupuncture appt for 9:30 tomorrow morning though so I’ll be about 4 hours late to work on my first day back. I like to ease myself back in! One day I’m going to blog about how to ruin your career in 10 easy steps.

Although at times it’s been difficult to relax, I have enjoyed the time off work. I’ve tried to stay away from google and apart from one day I’ve done a pretty good job of avoiding it. I’ve spent a fair bit of time reflecting on life in general and on the whole I feel pretty calm.

I have loved reading StupidStork‘s post about her husband and her marriage and the various posts inspired by that so I decided to do my own:

My husband

My husband is ambitious. Not in the desperate, back-stabbing, corporate sense, but as in he has goals and he works really hard to achieve them. This is undoubtedly the most attractive thing about him. He didn’t work hard at school despite being immensely intelligent and ended up working as a car mechanic for 5 years. He did this as he was passionate about cars and Motorsport and it was good fun. One day he decided that he was done with that and it was time to try a different career. He did some research and hit the books in his evenings and weekends. Right now he works as a Database Developer in an office. My dad once said that my husband reminds him of the Rudyard Kipling poem “If” – google it.

My family love him, and he loves them. We split up once when I was 17. My mum asked if he could still come round their house. He has the same sense of humour as my mum and they find each other hilarious.

He is arrogant and self-assured in a sexy way. I work in finance and am often surrounded by funny, good-looking, wealthy, eligible young men. Not so much in my current job though I must add!! These guys have on occasion graduated from acquaintances to real friends of mine. Not only does this not bother him in the slightest, soon after meeting him they tend to like him more than they like me! I went to drinks last week with a bunch of guys that I used to work with. I was asked by three different people where he was. They were all clearly disappointed that my better half wasn’t making an appearance.

He, much like road2ourbaby‘s husband, is addicted to milk. I have never seen anyone else drink so much of the stuff. He gets really cranky when we run out of it, like I do with chocolate.

On our first honeymoon I read 2 Dan Brown books & some magazines, he read a massive IT manual because he “doesn’t do fiction”. On our second honeymoon I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy and 4 magazines. He didn’t finish the one car magazine that he took. It was mainly pictures.

Our marriage

I really did marry my best friend. He always knows what I’m thinking and feeling, often before I do. I can be upset about something all day long and not show an ounce of emotion about it, then I’ll get home, he’ll take one look at me and say “whassup cutie?” and within seconds I’ll have snot bubbles.

We’re supportive of each other. When my GP told me that I may have PCOS & I should eat low GI foods he did it too and we lost 60lbs between us. When he got the severe male factor diagnosis I made it very clear that I was going nowhere and he was the love of my life. The first couple of nights after receiving the diagnosis I would wake up with him wrapped around me as if he thought I might leave. This broke my heart a little bit.

We regularly text each other the word BUM, which is shorthand for “god I wish I was in bed spooning your butt right now”. We set the alarm early enough that we can lay in bed snuggled up for half an hour every morning. Normally I’ll snuggle up behind him while he’s still half asleep. Then he’ll mumble “bum” and I know that it means he’s going to turn around and I should too so he can snuggle me.

We’ll be good parents. Our kids will be well educated, well loved, well looked after but most importantly their lives will be filled with so much fun and silliness that they will not go a day without laughing. Infertility has been a struggle but even at the lowest lows that man has always known how to raise a smile out of me. I don’t doubt for a second that he’ll be the same with our children. Right now I am feeling incredibly thankful.

Happy Thursday everybody!

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2dp5dt – the start of the crazies

Yesterday’s sense of calm and serenity has upped and left.

Yesterday afternoon I felt some twinges in my lower abdomen. I think this is what set me off. Then my sister turned up to cook me dinner unannounced. Then my friend text me saying that she’s booked us into a spa for facials and pedicures tomorrow and it’s her treat. I welled up! People are being so incredibly nice. I really hope that I get a BFP so that I don’t need to test the limits of their helpfulness and kindness in a week or so!

I’m up and dressed and ready to face the day. Two days of laying around is enough to drive anyone mad. Plus it’s making my back ache… Or is that the babies? This is ridiculous. The embryos were 12hours behind so I really shouldn’t get excited. There is a little irritating part of me that keeps thinking that maybe they’re thriving now that they’re bak where they should be. Gah!!! My OTD is ages away.

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I get by with a little help from my friends (and family)

1dp5dt

I woke up this morning feeling really happy and contented. Yesterday was a really nice day & a really good example of how awesome my family can be.

The husband’s football season was just re-starting and as he’d accompanied me to all of the appts so far & been generally awesome I gave him the OK to play football while I had the transfer. My dad drove me and my mum to the hospital and sat in the car reading books for a good few hours while my mum joined me in the waiting room.

There were 5 ladies in for their transfers that day so 10 of us were called in to a little upstairs waiting rooms: 4 sets of husbands and wives and me and my mum. I was quite aware of the sympathetic, patronising gazes from the other ladies. Yes my husband loves me, yes he cares, but it is the first game of the season and he is their top striker – what’s a gal to do?!

I asked my mum if she thought they thought that we were a lesbian couple. She laughed and said that my little sister (who is 20, my mum is 50!) asked her the same thing the other day when they went out for coffee and cake. For some reason this really tickled me. The more I tried not to giggle, the worse I got. This set my mum off and pretty soon we were both crying with laughter. The 4 smug couples were all sat seriously in silence. At least one of them must have been wishing they’d brought their mum with them!

Next up we go through to the ward and we’re both given gowns. I get changed into my gear no problem but my mum is looking at hers pulling a confused face. Her “gown” appears to be a large, rectangular sheet with a small hole cut in it about 2 thirds of the way down, the hole was about the width of an average-sized neck. Around the edge of the hole was adhesive. We looked at it for a little while wondering if it could really be described as a gown. Then the man in the next cubicle said to his wife that his gown was strangling him. At this point my mum nearly tried shoving her head through the tiny, sticky hole but I stopped her and told her to ask the nurse what to do. The nurse laughed and said that she had given her the wrong thing & came back with a proper gown. We laughed so hard that I very nearly emptied my over-full bladder.

After the transfer my mum, dad and sister came round my house for the day. My husband BBQ’d some seriously good meat while my mum & dad prepared the salad & cleared everything away. I laid in the sun in my bikini all day (cue sunburn – ouch!) and didn’t have to lift a finger. As they were leaving I happened to mention that I was craving scones so my mum went to the shops, bought the ingredients, baked a batch, and drove them back to my house. AMAZING!

This got me thinking about how many people I have leaned on throughout this whole process so far and how valuable they have been. From my husband listening to every silly little worry and falling asleep with his hand on my womb last night, to my parents running around after me all day yesterday, to my friend who has booked Weds off work and is suggesting that we go and get some treatments together to help me relax – this same friend is catholic and has been lighting candles for my embryos – how cute! Last but definitely not least to each and every one of you who has liked or commented on my blog THANK YOU, I have walked every step of this journey with you so far and I hope that 9 months from now we are all mothers.

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Transfer day

Hey everybody!

I’m PUPO with TWINS, say hello:

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There’s good news and bad news. Of the three embryos, one slowed and never quite made it to blast. The other two kept going. They were excellent quality & couldn’t be differentiated between. Both had not quite made it to fully blastocyst stage as you can see from the pic but they’re both nearly there.

The embryologist said that they were about 12 hours behind where she would expect them to be. They may just be slow developers or they could be about to give up. She didn’t seem overly concerned but she said that the guidelines that recommend only one embryo is transferred no longer apply so she was able to pop them both back.

So now I am taking it easy & trying to be positive… But not too positive! Wish me luck x

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