Fifty shades of blah

I’m still here, kind of. The last few weeks have been difficult to say the least.

The period after my failed IVF cycle was like nothing I have ever experienced. I took ibuprofen and used a hot water bottle but that made NO difference. DH made me dinner & I went and laid on my bed with my hot water bottle. I had to call him and ask him to take the food away as I couldn’t stand the smell. I then had to ask him to turn the light off as I couldn’t stand the light. Then he ran me a bath.

Once I got in it & he turned the lights off, he was going to do some work in his office so he made me knock on the wall of the bathroom while he was in the office to see if he could hear me. He could, so he was happy to leave me in the tub, as I could knock if I needed him. The relief from the hot water was instantaneous. I laid back and tipped my head back and let the water lap around my face and all of a sudden out of nowhere came the thought “I could just put my head under and breathe in”. Now I’m not a dramatic person and I would not count this as an actual suicidal thought as I don’t think I would ever do it, however I was deeply disturbed by it and knocked like a mad lady (how apt) and my husband came running. I sobbed uncontrollably, explained what was the matter and asked him to sit with me, which he did.

That was on my OTD. Things have slowly got better since then. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying not to get ahead of myself. I had my first ever counselling session, which was a total waste of time unfortunately. The prevailing emotion this past 2 weeks has been BLAH. At times I am laying on my bed, incapable of moving, and I feel like I am watching myself doing nothing and I start judging myself saying things like “stop being a lazy bitch and go for a run, you’ll feel so much better for it” but then I continue to just lay there, doing nothing & somehow it’s exhausting.

This week I decided that I need to regain my mojo so I decided to re-read the Fifty Shades trilogy. They are written terribly but the over-arching theme is that of unconditional love for your man. That and sex. Lots of sex. So I’m reading the books, loving my man and having lots of sex and I’m starting to feel better. Today we shared a shower and had sex 3 times. This is progress.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get pregnant naturally after a failed IVF cycle cos that happens all the time doesn’t it? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!


Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

15 responses to “Fifty shades of blah

  1. The pure brutal honesty of this post brought tears to my eyes. I hate hate hate this experience for you.
    Go easy on yourself. Have more sex. (I loved Fifty Shades for that)Try another counselor (if you want to).
    We are here for you.

  2. I just wanted to send you big hugs. I know it’s not an easy time. Take it slowly. All is well, you can handle it. xxxx

  3. I’m so sorry my friend. Our minds can go to very dark places in the midst of such a terrible thing. I’m glad you are starting to feel a tiny bit better. I’ll be thinking of you, and I’m hoping it gets easier. Big hugs.

    • Thank you. It is getting easier each day. I am waiting for my WTF appt at the moment. Once I’ve got that all booked and I’ve got something to count down to again I’ll be fine x

  4. idioticinfertility

    The tterribleness of your experience (which you’d shared with me before) aside… Sex three times in one day is awesome! Way to go!
    In all seriousness… At one point after our cancelled cycle, I became so horribly upset that my husband wound up grabbing me and not letting go until I fell asleep. Some of that was my reaction to the progesterone, but still. You are right: it is frightening.
    I’m working with my first therapist ever. Fortunately, she is a good match for me, and I appreciate our sessions. Would you consider talking to someone else?
    Hang in there. It’s tough, especially when we see so many positives all around us.
    Now go have more sex. 🙂

    • I know, right?! I’ve got nothing else to do with my weekends aside from moping and sexing! I will definitely consider seeing someone else. This lady just wasn’t a good fit for me. I can get access to free counselling through my work so I think I will give them a ring. Hopefully then I can see someone outside of work hours too, as otherwise that’s just another stress. Aren’t husbands amazing? If we ever get through this and come out the other side as parents I know we will be rock solid, anyone who has been to this dark place together and comes back from it can face anything that life throws at them! X

  5. I know that after my failed IVF cycle my period was the worst…the cramps made me double over in pain…I dont know what causes it but its almost like a slap in the face…yes your not pregnant and I will make your period the worst now!!!

    WOW!!! Sex 3x in a day is an accomplishment!!! I am giving you a standing ovation

    • Yes as if I’m not hurting enough!!

      Why thank you *takes a bow*

      It’s a good job we did as the spotting has started already, 2 weeks until AF, I really hope I don’t spot for too much longer!

  6. expecting to be expecting

    I think we might be living the same week 🙂 though your’s sounds sexier.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon, be gentle with yourself, you deserve the tlc.

  7. Pingback: IVF 2, Phase 2: Go! | Immotileturtle's Blog

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