Sometimes I just want to act my age…

…or my shoe size (4), that would do too. I definitely don’t want to act like a boring old cow who worries about what she eats and drinks, about exercising too much, or too little, about spending too much money, about arranging anything too far in advance in case I am cycling or pregnant. Sometimes I just want to get pissed, swear loudly, dance like no one is watching and go on a wildly exotic holiday at the drop of a hat. Today is one of those days, who’s with me?!

I am 27, is it really that much of a problem that I can’t have children yet? In the real world NO IT IS NOT. In the world of infertility YES IT IS. I must do everything that I can as early as I can while the chances are still good, and of course I really want a baby NOW, not in 5 years time after i’ve spent a year enjoying myself and a further 4 years getting back in shape and going through multiple treatment cycles. The more that infertility deprives me of the chance to have a child, the more I decide that 2 wouldn’t be enough and actually I’d quite like a busy, boisterous household full of children, perhaps 4 of them, so unfortunately here I am.

Recently I have done the most boring but also liberating thing that I have done in a long time. I have been decluttering my home. If I were a therapist I would say that the compulsive need to have a perfect and pristine house all of a sudden is a manifestation of the grief and loss that I am feeling towards my two nearly-but-not-quite-babies. I would say that while my emotional environment spirals out of control I am looking to fix the physical problems that I can do something about in order to feel in control of at least one aspect of my life. But I’m not a therapist & the one that I had a session with a couple of weeks ago was a bit shit so she didn’t say any of that either. Let’s just call it late-onset OCD.

Anyway, I think that the constant organising and cleaning of everything in my house is the cause of my temptation to sell up and backpack round Asia/ go and work in Switzerland as a ski bunny/ run away to New Zealand and live in a hut in a hill like a hobbit, mainly just so that I can redress the balance and feel young again.

Balance. I think that is key. I need to clean one night, go out for dinner and a few drinks another night, exercise another night & also make sure that I factor in time for relaxation and beautifying. I dressed smartly for work yesterday and brought in leftover brownies that I baked at the weekend & I liked the feeling that I’d made an effort on a dreary morning, but that was yesterday, so in the interests of balance I turned up this morning looking like shit, bled through my liner despite being on CD20, cried in the toilets for a bit and then sent myself home sick, I didn’t tell them it’s because I’m mentally ill! I’ve finally requested counselling like I should have a couple of weeks ago so we’ll see how that goes. In the meantime I could really do with working from home this week and getting my head straight. Not sure how my boss will react to that request, but then I’m not sure that I care. X


Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

6 responses to “Sometimes I just want to act my age…

  1. Hey you’re not alone in the worrying, and I never thought I’d reach my 30th birthday and still not have any kids. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do – definitely exercise (its a great stress reliever) and I’m glad you’re going to see a counselor. HUGS. If you need anything, you know where to find me.

    • Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. At least you get 2 for the price of 1 now! 2 of my friends gave birth yesterday, one boy & one girl so I get to shop for pink and blue things today – YAY, just what I really want to do! I’ve called in sick from work again & my mum is coming to the docs with me as she wants my mid cycle bleeding stopped once and for all & I think she’s ready to tear my doc a new one!

  2. I’ve been looking for an infertility blog with a bit of humour and not a list of acronyms regarding treatment that I don’t understand. I think I have found it. Infertility is serious enough, it’s good to laugh. 🙂

    • Indeed it is. Thank you very much. When I was first told that ICSI was the way forward I spent entire days reading blogs to learn all about the IVF process but it was always the funny ones that stuck with me as this journey really is funny, just tinged with a little sadness. Last night I picked my husband up from the train station in my pjs, singing along to a Kanye West song at the top of my lungs & then changing it slightly to be about me not wearing a bra. We laughed a lot. I will not let infertility ruin a good chance to get a cheap laugh 🙂

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