Monthly Archives: November 2012

Crappy doctors appointments, super-fertile people, and my mid life crisis

Hello beautiful bloggy buddies, I have been putting off updating since my follow up WTF meeting as writing about things makes them more real somehow. To recap, at our initial WTF meeting the doc said that she thought that the cyst on my left ovary that stopped them collecting any eggs on that side wasn’t in fact endometrial, she thought it was a straight forward haemorrhagic cyst. She was also impressed with the SA on the day of retrieval as the count had increased from 4m to 37m & so she sent us away with homework: I was to have a follow up scan to decide if the cyst was endometrial or not – if it was still the same size a month later then it is endometrial, as they are persistent, unlike haemorrhagic cysts, which come & go. The hubster was to have some fun with himself again & they were going to do a “swim-up test” to see if a “spontaneous pregnancy” is likely… HA! As if I could spontaneously get pregnant!!

Long story short the doc smashed our hopes when she said that actually my cyst is endometrial & the SA only had a count of 9m this time. Once they applied a gradient to the 9m little dudes to see if they could swim uphill that 9m became “occasional motile sperm”. She reassured me that this meant that there would be enough to perform ICSI… I had NEVER considered that there wouldn’t be… Until now!

I had to BEG to be referred for a laparoscopy as the doc said that endo doesn’t interfere with IVF so there was no point… bitch, please?! I’m waiting for the letter now so that I can get that all booked in, I’m expecting it to take a while.

The weather here is gloomy and miserable, like my face, and to make my Monday morning all the more sunny I got 2 pregnancy announcements within 20mins of each other this morning. The first was an old work colleague. I should have replied congratulating her, instead I hit delete. She got married in April THIS YEAR for gods sake!! Shortly after this my HR director – you know, the one that I poured my guts out to on my return from the failed cycle? -emailed me to let me know that she’s pregnant, that she had her 12 week scan last week & that she didn’t want me to hear through anyone else. I thought that that was thoughtful & tried not to think too much about how far gone she would have been when I bared my broken soul to her.

All of this doom and gloom is giving me all sorts of crazy ideas to brighten up my life. I worry that I am at the start of a mid life crisis. In fact I’m pretty sure that that is where I am heading. I spend a lot of time fantasising about handing in my notice and doing something exciting. I want to be envied, not pitied, which I’m pretty sure makes me a bad person. Hey ho, bad people seem to have no problem making babies so that’s something to look forward to.

I will snap out of this moany place, but for tonight I am wallowing. Feel free to join me! X

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I think I broke my tear ducts

Hey everybody,

I’m back! The real me, not the me that cries at everything.

I had a therapy session on Halloween and I properly cried at it. The floodgates finally opened and the grief of roughly 36 cycles, including 3 with clomid & 1 with IVF all came out in one big, snotty, sobfest. It felt like something snapped in my head and then there was nothing. No worrying, no wondering about the future. Just silence. It. Was. Bliss.

That night we carved pumpkins together for the first time ever (on our 13th Halloween as a couple – how did it take that long?!). We laughed belly laughs and had FUN. You know, that thing that you used to have before you realised you might never be a mother? Yep, that. I had it.

And it didn’t stop there. Since then I have found things funny. I have wanted to see people. And do things. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I went to the fireworks with my parents and I really enjoyed the display and then played with sparklers like I was a kid again. After a few days the hubster even commented on how much fun he was having.

I told my ice queen boss everything. Well… almost everything. I didn’t tell her that I’ve already done one cycle of IVF, but she knows about the endo, the low count, and the fact that I am on the IVF waiting list. She was suprisingly nice about it and has even said that I can work from home for 2 days a week until I feel totally back to normal. That felt like a huge weight lifted. It’s so novel not having to think of excuses to go to appointments. Especially this week. Tomorrow I am seeing a kinesiologist about the allergies side of endo. Wednesday I am seeing the fertility doc to discuss next steps and get the result of the follow up SA. Friday I have therapy. Then next week we have booked the whole week off work to have fun together as a couple, and I actually believe that we will do exactly that. And I cannot freakin’ wait.

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Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath