I think I have had an epiphany!
I’ve been thinking about my future ever since my last counselling appointment and I’ve realised that if I don’t have children (melodramatic after one IVF cycle, I know – but bare with me) it might not be shit.
Only might not, but that’s way better than the previous option which was either definitely will, or at my lowest point once my last friend has a baby I’ll drown myself/leap in front of a train. Now that I’m being a bit more rational I can see how happy I am at times even now right in the middle of all of this shitiness. It won’t be like this forever. Even if it keeps failing, one day I will stop trying. Then that son of a bitch hope will stop messing with me & I can move on to the next phase of my life.
In trying to avoid the hurt that comes with hoping that I will one day have children, I had shut out any kind of hope. Now I am slowly allowing little bits of hope to creep back in, like hoping that I will have a happy future. It doesn’t have to look the way that I thought it would, as long as it’s fun.
Obviously it goes without saying that I desperately want children. I certainly wouldn’t put myself through another cycle if I didn’t. But this way, as I start thinking about getting ready for cycle number 2, it feels less like life or death than it did last time around.
Epiphanies are good like that!