A different kind of hope?

Hey everybody,

I think I have had an epiphany!

I’ve been thinking about my future ever since my last counselling appointment and I’ve realised that if I don’t have children (melodramatic after one IVF cycle, I know – but bare with me) it might not be shit.

Only might not, but that’s way better than the previous option which was either definitely will, or at my lowest point once my last friend has a baby I’ll drown myself/leap in front of a train. Now that I’m being a bit more rational I can see how happy I am at times even now right in the middle of all of this shitiness. It won’t be like this forever. Even if it keeps failing, one day I will stop trying. Then that son of a bitch hope will stop messing with me & I can move on to the next phase of my life.

In trying to avoid the hurt that comes with hoping that I will one day have children, I had shut out any kind of hope. Now I am slowly allowing little bits of hope to creep back in, like hoping that I will have a happy future. It doesn’t have to look the way that I thought it would, as long as it’s fun.

Obviously it goes without saying that I desperately want children. I certainly wouldn’t put myself through another cycle if I didn’t. But this way, as I start thinking about getting ready for cycle number 2, it feels less like life or death than it did last time around.

Epiphanies are good like that!


Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

8 responses to “A different kind of hope?

  1. It Will happen. It’s not easy finding that balance.I’m glad you have a plan. x

  2. That’s a good place to be. I’m getting to that point, too, although like you, it may be a bit premature! It’s good to feel that way- it takes some of the pressure off the fertility treatments. I’ve been inspired by so many wonderful, awesome childless women in my life who have great lives and make the world a better place by nurturing other people. We can all be mothers in our own way- and often we have even more to give the world when our energy isn’t being sucked up by our own kids. (Although, of course, I’d love my own.)

    • Yes that is exactly it! I have been trying to fit in everything that I want to do with my life into the last couple of years so that I’m ready to give up my dreams in order to be a mother. If the worst case scenario involves me & the hubster being scuba instructors in a remote corner of Asia I can totally be ok with that!!

      • Totally! I know what you mean- at least we’d be able to stop rushing to fulfill our other life dreams. You’re right that the worst-case scenario is actually pretty exciting in its way!

  3. I know that feeling all too well. I’m glad you’re finding yourself coming out of it.

    • Thanks lady, it’s such a roller coaster & it’s very tiring but I feel like 2012 has had a very big impact on my outlook on life. Even if the next cycle results in babies I won’t ever forget what this feels like x

  4. It’s the best epiphany to have, although we all have to reach them at our own time. Sometimes it takes massive kicks in the guts before we can say, ‘hey you know what, I don’t give a fuck any more. I’m gonna have some fun with my life’. And at least a break from all the stress and drama can be very liberating. The 1st IVF is as bad as the last IVF so don’t think you’re being irrational. Sometimes it’s good to lay off it for a while – not because of those people who say ‘relax and it will happen’ but just because you just need a friggin break.

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