2013?… Oh go on then

Goodbye 2012, year of incredible highs and horrific lows. Never have I felt so many conflicting, vivid, passionate emotions in the space of an hour, let alone a year.

Waving goodbye to 2012 means leaving behind the year that we had our first failed IVF attempt, I had my first proper infertility related meltdown, and the year that I found out that I most likely have endometriosis.

Sounds like a year that would be very easy to let go of doesn’t it? In some ways it is and I can’t help but think that it would be hard for 2013 to be worse, but then I wonder how much harder IVF #2 will be, as it’s going to be a longer, higher dose protocol. I wonder how much harder it will be to dust myself off and try again after cycle #2. I am scared to let go of 2012 & throw myself into another cycle. I can’t bare the thought of letting that evil bitch hope creep back in.

2012 had some really excellent moments that I will remember forever as the highs that made living through the lows worthwhile. In February, work sent me to New York for a few days. When I arrived in the office for the first time my colleague that I speak to every day but had never met rushed over and hugged me and had baked me a cake. I managed to contain the rush of happy tears that I could feel creeping up on me. That moment reminded me that I am a good, nice person who makes friends easily. My husband flew out with me and we extended the trip by a few days and took in lots of sights, I was 2 months off clomid & just starting to feel like me again, I suppose it was the first of many turning points.

In April, my mum turned 50 & we went on a family holiday to a tiny island in the Maldives. It was by far the best week of my life. Every second of the entire week was too good to be true. I will treasure the memories forever. The turtle part of my blog name comes from the last afternoon spent in the Indian Ocean when I swam alongside a turtle with my sister and husband for at least 15 minutes. I had never seen one in the wild before and it was just incredible. (Immotile being a memory of the worst day of my life thus far – when we were given the severe male factor diagnosis).

In August we flew to Rome for a long weekend of indulgence before starting the cycle. We ate ice cream twice daily & ate pasta washed down with red wine from wine glasses the size of my head. It was exactly what we needed to relax.

I confided in a few people about my cycle and their response was so much kinder than I could have hoped for.

I had 6 counselling sessions with a therapist that totally got me. She helped me picture happy endings that don’t include children. I know that this current state of hoping and wondering and crushing disappointment is not forever, no matter what the outcome, life will get better again.

As I leave 2012 behind, I start 2013 laying in bed next to the man of my dreams, the man who runs me baths & fetches me hot water bottles & makes me hot water and lemon at the first sign of a painful cramp. He is there through all of the bad times and he will be there for the good too, my fun sidekick.

We’re starting to make plans for 2013 and so far they involve visiting another Maldivian Island, doing a road trip down the Westcoast of America and my first ever skiing holiday. I am excited to get started with these things and I suppose that cycle #2 will be the rough that goes with the smooth.

I hope that every single one of us has the 2013 that we wish for, whatever it looks like. We certainly deserve it!

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12 Comments

Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

12 responses to “2013?… Oh go on then

  1. So much can happen in a year. I truly hope that 2013 brings you so many more highs than lows. You do deserve it my friend! xo

  2. Its funny how a year can contain so many highs and lows. Here’s hoping 2013 brings much more happiness and moments like swimming with the turtle.

  3. What a lovely post. I’ve recently experienced the magic of swimming with a turtle too. I still can’t manage to imagine a happy ending without children for me so I guess I’ll carry on this year chasing our dreams. Good luck on the next IVF.

    • I know, it was a life’s ambition achieved! There was a time that I thought that I would go for donor sperm/ eggs or adoption if the IVF failed but the hubster wasn’t up for that. My mum pointed out that my Great Aunt Mollie is an awesome example of a childless woman. She is 80 & got married for the first time last year. She got a white gold ring & was concerned about getting it replated in 30 years time – LOL! She is a very vibrant woman who uses the word “fantastic” in every sentence. She likes leather trousers. I could definitely enjoy living a life like hers!

  4. K

    This is the first post I have read of yours so I’m a little behind, but I look forward to following along and keeping up on your journey. I wish you the best of luck in 2013! I too have endometriosis, severe stage iv. My re seems to have no worries about it as we approach our first ivf round. I of course know my evil ovaries well and I’m a little nervous. I hope this is both of our years and evil endo loses.

  5. Wow, it sounds like you had a lot of awesome moments last year in addition to the awful ones! I look back at 2012 the same way- yes, it was kind of tough, but I have so many beautiful memories that remind me of how great my life already is and can be, regardless of the fertility outcome.

    I hope 2013 is a good one, and much less of a roller coaster!

  6. gradualchanges

    Thanks for an upbeat post. Sounds like you had some great times in 2012, even if there were also bad times. So many of us infertiles (myself included) get stuck in such low emotional places that it’s hard to keep some positive energy in mind. It’s nice to see an IF blog that I can read without getting even more depressed!

    • Thanks very much! Truth be told, when I’m at my lowest I just can’t post. I get my fair share of lows, but generally if I’m on here, I’m on my way up, not down! Glad to share some positivity. X

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