A little peak inside my crazy brain

I started the week with a Laparoscopy and it’s got slowly better ever since!

I will post more about that once I’ve had the follow up consultation with the surgeon as it wasn’t as straightforward as they hoped & I don’t understand the implications, or whether further surgery is required prior to my next IVF cycle. I sincerely hope not as I learnt that:

Low blood pressure + general anaesthetic + a nurse that hurries me to pee so that I can go home = Hollie unconscious & not breathing on the toilet! Oops!

Since then my anxiety levels have been crazy high & although I’m exhausted I’m not getting enough sleep. When I do sleep I have really vivid, bizarre dreams. The hubster tells me not to tell people about my dreams as they didn’t actually happen and therefore aren’t remotely interesting. If you’re wondering where he draws the line with this logic he has never read a fiction but likes TV & films – go figure.

So, I figured I’d give you the bare bones of these dreams and we can all try to understand just how crazy I am:

Dream 1
There is a knock at the door and it is a lady carrying two newborns, one with a pink hat & one with a blue hat. They are our embryos from an IVF cycle that we decided to do with a surrogate as my body sucks. I knew that they were put in the surrogate and I knew that she got a BFP. I also knew that her scans had all gone well and when her due date was but I completely refused to acknowledge that I would get babies at the end of her pregnancy, I was only too aware of the things that can go wrong, so I protected myself. We hadn’t told a soul about the surrogate so that we wouldn’t need to tell anyone why there was no baby when things went wrong. When she turned up at our door to hand them over we had nothing, no crib or Moses basket or nappies (diapers). The girl filled her nappy pretty quickly so my mum had to run to the supermarket and buy new nappies and we had to sleep with them in our bed. A problem that I would so love to have!!

Dream 2
I only remember fractions of this dream. A friend that I went to school with and haven’t seen for a few years picked me up to take me somewhere. she was obviously pregnant. In real life she got married last year. When I got home another girl from school was in my bath (?!). She too had a bump. I happen to know that her 3 year old daughter was an IVF baby and that she was treated at my hospital. She said that she had conceived this new baby naturally after living on the endo diet since the birth of her daughter.

Dream 3
D was sat on our stairs completely naked having a chat with me. This is not unusual! The odd bit was that I noticed a cross between worms & maggots crawling out of his scrotum!! They were long and thin and really tiny & they were climbing out of a tiny hole one at a time & were wriggling around on the stairs. I freaked out & D looked embarrassed but said that it had happened before a few times & he had never seen a doctor about it. I decided that this was treatable & causing his infertility.

I think that these mainly boil down to me being one frustrated lady! I am frustrated that I may never have children and even if I do it will be a worry-filled pregnancy. I am frustrated by everybody but me being pregnant. I am frustrated that while I desperately search for the cause of our troubles, western medicine is only interested in circumventing the symptoms. Even though our diagnosis is severe male factor, D has never had to drop his trousers for an inspection, this maddens me. So much so that I would like to start a charity that researches causes of male factor infertility. Maybe I will one day.

I’m still managing to stick to the endo diet, it’s extremely difficult, but I’m doing it. I’m going to start doing weekly weigh ins & we’ll see if I can get to my pre IVF goal weight.

Wish me luck!

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4 Comments

Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

4 responses to “A little peak inside my crazy brain

  1. Wow…what a post! Hope all the follow-up on the procedure is good, and I’m really curious to know if you are going to have a phone consult with Dr. WK…Those are some crazy ass dreams you’ve had there…how did you feel when you woke up from them? Did you feel reassured? Calm? Sometimes when I feel good waking up from a dream like that, I take it as a sign that my subconscious has worked something out. Good for you for sticking to the endo diet. I have been on strict diets before and I know how hard it can be.
    Love,
    Maddy

    • 🙂 thanks Maddy. It was really weird actually, they had just sent me through some potential times for telephone consultations and then my boss mentioned a potential trip to NY in the next few months and my surgery was scheduled so I’ve decided to wait for my surgery follow up, which is a week today, and then once I know if I need more surgery or not I will have a telephone consultation. If we decide to go ahead hopefully it can coincide with my business trip!! I’ve been struggling with sleep recently, I find that I struggle to fall asleep when I go to bed, but then I wake up in the middle of the night & can’t get back to sleep. So mainly right now I feel a sense of panic!! I’m going to start meditation before bed tonight and I’ll see if that helps to quiet my crazy brain. Lovely to hear from you x

  2. Please look at my blog http://peainapodblog.wordpress.com/ I have suffered with Endometriosis for a very long time and I have started a blog writing about how it has effected my fertility and about my 1st course of IVF. Hope this helps other find the reason for their pain and to help others going through IVF.

    • I just read your blog and saw that you have been prescribed Oramorph! I love Oramorph! I could totally be an Oramorph addict. Must stay away from the doctors or I’ll end up asking for it!

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