The mixed emotions of a diagnosis

On Monday I was told that I have severe endometriosis and my left ovary is stuck to my uterus and my bowel. The surgeon actually briefly mentioned this immediately after the laparoscopy, but I was too groggy to take it in properly at the time. I couldn’t remember the precise wording that he had used and was hoping that they were wedged there, rather than stuck with adhesions. You know you’ve been in the trenches for too long when you’re hoping that your ovary is wedged between your bowel and your uterus. I had rather optimistically been googling “how do I move my ovary” which returned a disappointingly (but not unsuprisingly) low number of responses. But no, they’re stuck together with nasty black endo goop.

So far I have had no reaction to this news whatsoever. I am numb. I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, and then I start all over again. The repetitive, unstimulating work week has gone by and now I am sat home alone on a Saturday afternoon and I am trying to decide how I feel.

On the one hand, 50% of my ovaries don’t work. This is bad given that 99% of D’s swimmers don’t work. I do not like those odds.

On the other hand, 50% of my ovaries do work. That’s more than some people. I can still create a child that is biologically mine. I should be grateful for this.

The most confusing reaction that I am having is the overwhelming sense of relief. I always knew that there was something wrong with me. Not my borderline PCOS hormone profile, something bigger than that. When doctors asked me how painful AF was I used to comment on the subjective nature of the question and then mention that I needed to medicate for the first couple of days of my cycle. I’m not really one to dramatise my pain and I consider myself to have a high pain threshold. For a while now I had been concerned that endo had spread to my bowel as I was always very uncomfortable before a bowel movement. There is a small part of me that is pleased that I AM NOT GOING CRAZY and that I do know my body. I need to listen to my body more. My infertility struggles have taught me how to do this. I think D was really suprised with this diagnosis. He has been fetching me hot water bottles and watching me bloat up and struggle to fit into my clothes once a month for 13 years and yet I guess he must have thought that that was normal.

I remember being 9 years old on my sister’s first day of school. I couldn’t pick her up afterwards because I had severe AF pains and all I could do was lay on the sofa. I remember being 10 years old and bleeding through my towel at school. I told my teacher and she took me to the staff toilets for supplies. I was wearing a skirt and as we walked, blood started to run down my leg. That memory still freaks me out 18 years later. I wish the doctors had listened to me then. I wish that they cared as much about diet and lifestyle as they do about medicines and surgery. Most of all I wish that this next cycle gives me the family that I long for. Because it is a longing now, I long with every fibre of my being. I am ready to be a mother. Fuck you infertility.

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11 Comments

Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

11 responses to “The mixed emotions of a diagnosis

  1. Is there anyway to private inbox message you?

  2. Oh How did you get my email? Random? But yes yes yes please do! xx

  3. Yes, diagnoses can kind of suck, can’t they? I’m sorry you’ve gotten such a raft of unpleasant news. I also genuinely think that the good points you’ve mentioned are worth believing in.

  4. Pingback: Two pregnancy announcements, two reactions | Immotileturtle's Blog

  5. I so deeply relate. When I surfaced out of the anesthesia after my laparoscopic ablation, the first thing I wanted to know what whether or not they’d found anything. I’ve had a provisional diagnosis for about 8 years now, but no doctor will confirm it unless they lay eyes on it. And I think we get brainwashed early on to think of ourselves as somehow malingering when it comes to menstruation – I know I put off going in for that initial provisional diagnosis for nearly a year because every month I kept thinking I was making it up, that it wasn’t really getting worse and worse and worse with each cycle. It’s like, “Buck up, you whinging sissy!” Where the hell does that come from, do you think? I certainly don’t know. But I know that when my husband told me through my drowning haze that they’d found extensive lesions in exactly the places where my symptoms had been for years, I wept with relief and gratitude and validation, finally knowing that I was’t crazy. It was so gratifying. I’m glad you’ve got some answers. They may be shite answers, but shite answers are better than no answers. Best of luck to you.

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