Crappy doctors appointments, super-fertile people, and my mid life crisis

Hello beautiful bloggy buddies, I have been putting off updating since my follow up WTF meeting as writing about things makes them more real somehow. To recap, at our initial WTF meeting the doc said that she thought that the cyst on my left ovary that stopped them collecting any eggs on that side wasn’t in fact endometrial, she thought it was a straight forward haemorrhagic cyst. She was also impressed with the SA on the day of retrieval as the count had increased from 4m to 37m & so she sent us away with homework: I was to have a follow up scan to decide if the cyst was endometrial or not – if it was still the same size a month later then it is endometrial, as they are persistent, unlike haemorrhagic cysts, which come & go. The hubster was to have some fun with himself again & they were going to do a “swim-up test” to see if a “spontaneous pregnancy” is likely… HA! As if I could spontaneously get pregnant!!

Long story short the doc smashed our hopes when she said that actually my cyst is endometrial & the SA only had a count of 9m this time. Once they applied a gradient to the 9m little dudes to see if they could swim uphill that 9m became “occasional motile sperm”. She reassured me that this meant that there would be enough to perform ICSI… I had NEVER considered that there wouldn’t be… Until now!

I had to BEG to be referred for a laparoscopy as the doc said that endo doesn’t interfere with IVF so there was no point… bitch, please?! I’m waiting for the letter now so that I can get that all booked in, I’m expecting it to take a while.

The weather here is gloomy and miserable, like my face, and to make my Monday morning all the more sunny I got 2 pregnancy announcements within 20mins of each other this morning. The first was an old work colleague. I should have replied congratulating her, instead I hit delete. She got married in April THIS YEAR for gods sake!! Shortly after this my HR director – you know, the one that I poured my guts out to on my return from the failed cycle? -emailed me to let me know that she’s pregnant, that she had her 12 week scan last week & that she didn’t want me to hear through anyone else. I thought that that was thoughtful & tried not to think too much about how far gone she would have been when I bared my broken soul to her.

All of this doom and gloom is giving me all sorts of crazy ideas to brighten up my life. I worry that I am at the start of a mid life crisis. In fact I’m pretty sure that that is where I am heading. I spend a lot of time fantasising about handing in my notice and doing something exciting. I want to be envied, not pitied, which I’m pretty sure makes me a bad person. Hey ho, bad people seem to have no problem making babies so that’s something to look forward to.

I will snap out of this moany place, but for tonight I am wallowing. Feel free to join me! X

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I think I broke my tear ducts

Hey everybody,

I’m back! The real me, not the me that cries at everything.

I had a therapy session on Halloween and I properly cried at it. The floodgates finally opened and the grief of roughly 36 cycles, including 3 with clomid & 1 with IVF all came out in one big, snotty, sobfest. It felt like something snapped in my head and then there was nothing. No worrying, no wondering about the future. Just silence. It. Was. Bliss.

That night we carved pumpkins together for the first time ever (on our 13th Halloween as a couple – how did it take that long?!). We laughed belly laughs and had FUN. You know, that thing that you used to have before you realised you might never be a mother? Yep, that. I had it.

And it didn’t stop there. Since then I have found things funny. I have wanted to see people. And do things. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I went to the fireworks with my parents and I really enjoyed the display and then played with sparklers like I was a kid again. After a few days the hubster even commented on how much fun he was having.

I told my ice queen boss everything. Well… almost everything. I didn’t tell her that I’ve already done one cycle of IVF, but she knows about the endo, the low count, and the fact that I am on the IVF waiting list. She was suprisingly nice about it and has even said that I can work from home for 2 days a week until I feel totally back to normal. That felt like a huge weight lifted. It’s so novel not having to think of excuses to go to appointments. Especially this week. Tomorrow I am seeing a kinesiologist about the allergies side of endo. Wednesday I am seeing the fertility doc to discuss next steps and get the result of the follow up SA. Friday I have therapy. Then next week we have booked the whole week off work to have fun together as a couple, and I actually believe that we will do exactly that. And I cannot freakin’ wait.

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Remember when everything wasn’t shit?

You don’t? Me neither. Sometimes I remember it a little bit, but then a pregnant lady walks past (why do they follow me around these days?!) and everything is soon shit again.

I was telling the hubster about a conversation I’d had with my therapist where I’d said that I felt like this had fundamentally changed me & how I used to be so extroverted but now I’m happiest in the bath with a good book & she said that it hasn’t changed who I am, it’s just made me sad, which will pass. He then said that he thinks it has changed us as we used to think we were invincible & now we don’t & we used to be so carefree and now we’re not. *sigh*

In other news, my cyst is indeed endometrial, so it is endometriosis. Hubs has to go for another SA in the next week & then we go for our WTF follow up to discuss next steps in 2 weeks.

My therapist told me to let my hair down so I did. My first day back in the office after 2 weeks signed off sick I made a couple of guys in my team go for a drink to fill me in on what I’d missed while I was away. A bottle of Rose later & no dinner & I threw up on the train home. Not in the toilet, just on the floor (and my shoe). That wasn’t the end of it though. Years of infertility has removed my ability to process alcohol as my body is so temple-like (Pah!) so I made it to work the next day but threw up repeatedly throughout the morning & even took a 10min power nap on the floor of the disabled toilet. A new low? I think so.

Happy Halloween & I hope all you NYCers are safe x

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Never f**k with a premenstrual infertile

So it turns out that period number 2 following IVF fail number 1 is going to be almost as bad as the last one. Excellent. I have been the moodiest most horrible person to be around today, apart from when I’ve been lovely. It’s like i’ve got multiple personality syndrome.

This morning I dropped the hubs at the station & then drove to my friends street & tried to get parked. Parking there is always a nightmare as its right next to the station & the station carpark is like £5 a day so everyone parks in her street. We’d said that we would go for a morning run & I knew that we wouldn’t go far so I pulled in on the corner where you’re not really supposed to park & made sure that I was tucked right in so that it was safe & then I got out of the car.

A lady was walking her dog the other side of the road and she shouted over at me “you know it’s illegal to park on a corner”. I sighed & thought to myself “why now, I just need to go for a run with my friend, I can’t get parked and now this evil woman is trying to ruin it for me”. I said “I’m only going for a quick run and there is nowhere to park”. She said “well, it’s up to you if you want to break the law” in a very judgmental voice, which REALLY pissed off my inner hormonal wench. I did something I am slightly ashamed of, I said “you’re a nosey old b*tch”, got back in my car and was about to drive off but then I thought to myself “I shouldn’t have swore at her as now she has the moral high ground and will be thinking to herself what a rude girl I am and how I’m incapable of parking” so I drove after her, wound down the window and apologised for swearing.

I explained that I don’t make a habit of swearing at strangers, it’s just that I’ve been signed off work due to a very early miscarriage of twins (I still feel like a fraud saying this but it’s what the therapist says to call it as I have photos of two living embryos that were placed inside my uterus and at that point I became pregnant) and I’m very hormonal and stressed. Then I cried. In front of her.

Hopefully she’ll keep her mouth shut in the future as you never know whose day you are crapping on & that person might just be batshit crazy!!

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It’s official: I’m mental

Hi everybody, my name is Hollie and I’m crazy. There I said it. That wasn’t so hard. Phew!

So I went to the doctor with my mum (or mom for those of you that don’t speak English ;-)) and we talked about the bleeding and the doctor said that as I’m being seen by specialists in November I should discuss that with them then. Then she signed me off sick for 2 weeks because she could tell that I need time to get over the emotional strain of my cycle – I think that translates as “you seem crazy, don’t go to work”!!! I haven’t been signed off work since I had my tonsils out when I was 20! She signed me off with anaemia so that work don’t know I’m crazy!

My boss has taken it well & we’ve agreed that I’ll finish off a few things from home today that are hanging over me & then I’ll relax for a bit. After the first week off I’ll start doing more from home before I go back to the office at the end of the 2 weeks.

This is good news. I’m full of energy and enthusiasm for getting old Hollie back. My husband says that when he rules the world I will be his “Ambassador of fun”, he isn’t being ironic, I am generally recognised as someone who is fun. I want to be her again.

So I’m coming up with some rules for my time off to make sure that that happens:

1. I will spend no more than 15minutes a day on Facebook, Twitter, babyandbump, WordPress and google.
2. I will exercise every week day and be active and outdoorsy at the weekends too.
3. I will cook a healthy, fresh, homemade meal every day.
4. I will get into housework routines that I can maintain whilst back at work without feeling overwhelmed.
5. If I want to bake, then I will bake. It makes me happy. I refuse to feel guilty about something that makes me happy at the moment.
6. I will fill at least 1 dustbin bag full of clutter each day until my house looks like I want it to look.

Does anybody have any other good rule suggestions?

Are any of you one of those people whose house is permanently tidy and clean? If so, got any tips for maintaining that and working full time?

I know it’s mad but I feel like having a baby can bring chaos & maybe if I spend the next few months organising myself a bit better then maybe that’s why it didn’t work this time: to give me a system to organise my life before a baby turns my world upside down in the best possible way. We’ll see I suppose! X

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Sometimes I just want to act my age…

…or my shoe size (4), that would do too. I definitely don’t want to act like a boring old cow who worries about what she eats and drinks, about exercising too much, or too little, about spending too much money, about arranging anything too far in advance in case I am cycling or pregnant. Sometimes I just want to get pissed, swear loudly, dance like no one is watching and go on a wildly exotic holiday at the drop of a hat. Today is one of those days, who’s with me?!

I am 27, is it really that much of a problem that I can’t have children yet? In the real world NO IT IS NOT. In the world of infertility YES IT IS. I must do everything that I can as early as I can while the chances are still good, and of course I really want a baby NOW, not in 5 years time after i’ve spent a year enjoying myself and a further 4 years getting back in shape and going through multiple treatment cycles. The more that infertility deprives me of the chance to have a child, the more I decide that 2 wouldn’t be enough and actually I’d quite like a busy, boisterous household full of children, perhaps 4 of them, so unfortunately here I am.

Recently I have done the most boring but also liberating thing that I have done in a long time. I have been decluttering my home. If I were a therapist I would say that the compulsive need to have a perfect and pristine house all of a sudden is a manifestation of the grief and loss that I am feeling towards my two nearly-but-not-quite-babies. I would say that while my emotional environment spirals out of control I am looking to fix the physical problems that I can do something about in order to feel in control of at least one aspect of my life. But I’m not a therapist & the one that I had a session with a couple of weeks ago was a bit shit so she didn’t say any of that either. Let’s just call it late-onset OCD.

Anyway, I think that the constant organising and cleaning of everything in my house is the cause of my temptation to sell up and backpack round Asia/ go and work in Switzerland as a ski bunny/ run away to New Zealand and live in a hut in a hill like a hobbit, mainly just so that I can redress the balance and feel young again.

Balance. I think that is key. I need to clean one night, go out for dinner and a few drinks another night, exercise another night & also make sure that I factor in time for relaxation and beautifying. I dressed smartly for work yesterday and brought in leftover brownies that I baked at the weekend & I liked the feeling that I’d made an effort on a dreary morning, but that was yesterday, so in the interests of balance I turned up this morning looking like shit, bled through my liner despite being on CD20, cried in the toilets for a bit and then sent myself home sick, I didn’t tell them it’s because I’m mentally ill! I’ve finally requested counselling like I should have a couple of weeks ago so we’ll see how that goes. In the meantime I could really do with working from home this week and getting my head straight. Not sure how my boss will react to that request, but then I’m not sure that I care. X

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WTF appointment

Good evening! I thought I would pop in to let you know how my WTF appointment went.

I was desperate for this appointment as I needed closure on my first cycle but we had very low expectations in terms of getting any answers or it being particularly useful. We were seen by the lady doctor that did my first IVF scan & not my actual consultant thankfully as he is always in a rush and has absolutely no interest in answering my questions so I was really hoping it wouldn’t be with him.

She took it really slowly and explained, as if explaining to a small child, what went well/ not so well at every stage of
our cycle. She is pleased that I didn’t over respond and so would happily up my dose quite a bit and change my protocol if necessary in order to collect more eggs. She isn’t convinced that my cyst was a chocolate cyst, she thinks it may have been haemorragic, which is a type of cyst that disappears, whereas a chocolate cyst is persistent. In order to check before simply doing a laparoscopy she’s ordered another scan on day 2-8 of my next cycle. So I may not have endometriosis after all, who knows?

My husband’s SA results from the day of egg collection were the highlight of the trip. The highest count previously was 4million, with 0% rapid progressive swimmers. This time there were 36.7million, 19% of which were rapid progressive! Yay for not drinking or having a bath for a year and taking so many vitamins that he rattles! This is a huge breakthrough as he could actually get me pregnant naturally one day if he keeps this up. Stranger things have happened. The doc did say that she would like to see how he gets on in a swim up test so she has ordered another SA for him at her hospital that he will do when I have my scan.

We then plan on regrouping on 14th November to make an action plan. I am slightly afraid that said action plan will involve clomid and OPKs as I still have 3 months worth on my bedside table – clomid messed me up way more than IVF did!!

I am very lucky that my IVF is covered in the UK by my local NHS trust and I am fortunate enough that my trust will cover 3 cycles for me, not just 1 or 2 like most other parts of the UK. The downside is that they will only cover one cycle every 6 months so I can’t start again until Feb next year. The next few months are time to get my head straight and lose some more weight. Although, they weigh you at every appointment at the hospital and the nurse was laughing as I’ve managed to lose 2lbs since the start of my cycle, which is unheard of!

So for the next 5 and a bit weeks my aim is to eat healthy, exercise, and
maybe even tidy my home. Rock on!!

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