Tag Archives: crazy

A little peak inside my crazy brain

I started the week with a Laparoscopy and it’s got slowly better ever since!

I will post more about that once I’ve had the follow up consultation with the surgeon as it wasn’t as straightforward as they hoped & I don’t understand the implications, or whether further surgery is required prior to my next IVF cycle. I sincerely hope not as I learnt that:

Low blood pressure + general anaesthetic + a nurse that hurries me to pee so that I can go home = Hollie unconscious & not breathing on the toilet! Oops!

Since then my anxiety levels have been crazy high & although I’m exhausted I’m not getting enough sleep. When I do sleep I have really vivid, bizarre dreams. The hubster tells me not to tell people about my dreams as they didn’t actually happen and therefore aren’t remotely interesting. If you’re wondering where he draws the line with this logic he has never read a fiction but likes TV & films – go figure.

So, I figured I’d give you the bare bones of these dreams and we can all try to understand just how crazy I am:

Dream 1
There is a knock at the door and it is a lady carrying two newborns, one with a pink hat & one with a blue hat. They are our embryos from an IVF cycle that we decided to do with a surrogate as my body sucks. I knew that they were put in the surrogate and I knew that she got a BFP. I also knew that her scans had all gone well and when her due date was but I completely refused to acknowledge that I would get babies at the end of her pregnancy, I was only too aware of the things that can go wrong, so I protected myself. We hadn’t told a soul about the surrogate so that we wouldn’t need to tell anyone why there was no baby when things went wrong. When she turned up at our door to hand them over we had nothing, no crib or Moses basket or nappies (diapers). The girl filled her nappy pretty quickly so my mum had to run to the supermarket and buy new nappies and we had to sleep with them in our bed. A problem that I would so love to have!!

Dream 2
I only remember fractions of this dream. A friend that I went to school with and haven’t seen for a few years picked me up to take me somewhere. she was obviously pregnant. In real life she got married last year. When I got home another girl from school was in my bath (?!). She too had a bump. I happen to know that her 3 year old daughter was an IVF baby and that she was treated at my hospital. She said that she had conceived this new baby naturally after living on the endo diet since the birth of her daughter.

Dream 3
D was sat on our stairs completely naked having a chat with me. This is not unusual! The odd bit was that I noticed a cross between worms & maggots crawling out of his scrotum!! They were long and thin and really tiny & they were climbing out of a tiny hole one at a time & were wriggling around on the stairs. I freaked out & D looked embarrassed but said that it had happened before a few times & he had never seen a doctor about it. I decided that this was treatable & causing his infertility.

I think that these mainly boil down to me being one frustrated lady! I am frustrated that I may never have children and even if I do it will be a worry-filled pregnancy. I am frustrated by everybody but me being pregnant. I am frustrated that while I desperately search for the cause of our troubles, western medicine is only interested in circumventing the symptoms. Even though our diagnosis is severe male factor, D has never had to drop his trousers for an inspection, this maddens me. So much so that I would like to start a charity that researches causes of male factor infertility. Maybe I will one day.

I’m still managing to stick to the endo diet, it’s extremely difficult, but I’m doing it. I’m going to start doing weekly weigh ins & we’ll see if I can get to my pre IVF goal weight.

Wish me luck!

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It’s official: I’m mental

Hi everybody, my name is Hollie and I’m crazy. There I said it. That wasn’t so hard. Phew!

So I went to the doctor with my mum (or mom for those of you that don’t speak English ;-)) and we talked about the bleeding and the doctor said that as I’m being seen by specialists in November I should discuss that with them then. Then she signed me off sick for 2 weeks because she could tell that I need time to get over the emotional strain of my cycle – I think that translates as “you seem crazy, don’t go to work”!!! I haven’t been signed off work since I had my tonsils out when I was 20! She signed me off with anaemia so that work don’t know I’m crazy!

My boss has taken it well & we’ve agreed that I’ll finish off a few things from home today that are hanging over me & then I’ll relax for a bit. After the first week off I’ll start doing more from home before I go back to the office at the end of the 2 weeks.

This is good news. I’m full of energy and enthusiasm for getting old Hollie back. My husband says that when he rules the world I will be his “Ambassador of fun”, he isn’t being ironic, I am generally recognised as someone who is fun. I want to be her again.

So I’m coming up with some rules for my time off to make sure that that happens:

1. I will spend no more than 15minutes a day on Facebook, Twitter, babyandbump, WordPress and google.
2. I will exercise every week day and be active and outdoorsy at the weekends too.
3. I will cook a healthy, fresh, homemade meal every day.
4. I will get into housework routines that I can maintain whilst back at work without feeling overwhelmed.
5. If I want to bake, then I will bake. It makes me happy. I refuse to feel guilty about something that makes me happy at the moment.
6. I will fill at least 1 dustbin bag full of clutter each day until my house looks like I want it to look.

Does anybody have any other good rule suggestions?

Are any of you one of those people whose house is permanently tidy and clean? If so, got any tips for maintaining that and working full time?

I know it’s mad but I feel like having a baby can bring chaos & maybe if I spend the next few months organising myself a bit better then maybe that’s why it didn’t work this time: to give me a system to organise my life before a baby turns my world upside down in the best possible way. We’ll see I suppose! X

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2dp5dt – the start of the crazies

Yesterday’s sense of calm and serenity has upped and left.

Yesterday afternoon I felt some twinges in my lower abdomen. I think this is what set me off. Then my sister turned up to cook me dinner unannounced. Then my friend text me saying that she’s booked us into a spa for facials and pedicures tomorrow and it’s her treat. I welled up! People are being so incredibly nice. I really hope that I get a BFP so that I don’t need to test the limits of their helpfulness and kindness in a week or so!

I’m up and dressed and ready to face the day. Two days of laying around is enough to drive anyone mad. Plus it’s making my back ache… Or is that the babies? This is ridiculous. The embryos were 12hours behind so I really shouldn’t get excited. There is a little irritating part of me that keeps thinking that maybe they’re thriving now that they’re bak where they should be. Gah!!! My OTD is ages away.

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