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2013?… Oh go on then

Goodbye 2012, year of incredible highs and horrific lows. Never have I felt so many conflicting, vivid, passionate emotions in the space of an hour, let alone a year.

Waving goodbye to 2012 means leaving behind the year that we had our first failed IVF attempt, I had my first proper infertility related meltdown, and the year that I found out that I most likely have endometriosis.

Sounds like a year that would be very easy to let go of doesn’t it? In some ways it is and I can’t help but think that it would be hard for 2013 to be worse, but then I wonder how much harder IVF #2 will be, as it’s going to be a longer, higher dose protocol. I wonder how much harder it will be to dust myself off and try again after cycle #2. I am scared to let go of 2012 & throw myself into another cycle. I can’t bare the thought of letting that evil bitch hope creep back in.

2012 had some really excellent moments that I will remember forever as the highs that made living through the lows worthwhile. In February, work sent me to New York for a few days. When I arrived in the office for the first time my colleague that I speak to every day but had never met rushed over and hugged me and had baked me a cake. I managed to contain the rush of happy tears that I could feel creeping up on me. That moment reminded me that I am a good, nice person who makes friends easily. My husband flew out with me and we extended the trip by a few days and took in lots of sights, I was 2 months off clomid & just starting to feel like me again, I suppose it was the first of many turning points.

In April, my mum turned 50 & we went on a family holiday to a tiny island in the Maldives. It was by far the best week of my life. Every second of the entire week was too good to be true. I will treasure the memories forever. The turtle part of my blog name comes from the last afternoon spent in the Indian Ocean when I swam alongside a turtle with my sister and husband for at least 15 minutes. I had never seen one in the wild before and it was just incredible. (Immotile being a memory of the worst day of my life thus far – when we were given the severe male factor diagnosis).

In August we flew to Rome for a long weekend of indulgence before starting the cycle. We ate ice cream twice daily & ate pasta washed down with red wine from wine glasses the size of my head. It was exactly what we needed to relax.

I confided in a few people about my cycle and their response was so much kinder than I could have hoped for.

I had 6 counselling sessions with a therapist that totally got me. She helped me picture happy endings that don’t include children. I know that this current state of hoping and wondering and crushing disappointment is not forever, no matter what the outcome, life will get better again.

As I leave 2012 behind, I start 2013 laying in bed next to the man of my dreams, the man who runs me baths & fetches me hot water bottles & makes me hot water and lemon at the first sign of a painful cramp. He is there through all of the bad times and he will be there for the good too, my fun sidekick.

We’re starting to make plans for 2013 and so far they involve visiting another Maldivian Island, doing a road trip down the Westcoast of America and my first ever skiing holiday. I am excited to get started with these things and I suppose that cycle #2 will be the rough that goes with the smooth.

I hope that every single one of us has the 2013 that we wish for, whatever it looks like. We certainly deserve it!

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