I’m back! The real me, not the me that cries at everything.
I had a therapy session on Halloween and I properly cried at it. The floodgates finally opened and the grief of roughly 36 cycles, including 3 with clomid & 1 with IVF all came out in one big, snotty, sobfest. It felt like something snapped in my head and then there was nothing. No worrying, no wondering about the future. Just silence. It. Was. Bliss.
That night we carved pumpkins together for the first time ever (on our 13th Halloween as a couple – how did it take that long?!). We laughed belly laughs and had FUN. You know, that thing that you used to have before you realised you might never be a mother? Yep, that. I had it.
And it didn’t stop there. Since then I have found things funny. I have wanted to see people. And do things. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I went to the fireworks with my parents and I really enjoyed the display and then played with sparklers like I was a kid again. After a few days the hubster even commented on how much fun he was having.
I told my ice queen boss everything. Well… almost everything. I didn’t tell her that I’ve already done one cycle of IVF, but she knows about the endo, the low count, and the fact that I am on the IVF waiting list. She was suprisingly nice about it and has even said that I can work from home for 2 days a week until I feel totally back to normal. That felt like a huge weight lifted. It’s so novel not having to think of excuses to go to appointments. Especially this week. Tomorrow I am seeing a kinesiologist about the allergies side of endo. Wednesday I am seeing the fertility doc to discuss next steps and get the result of the follow up SA. Friday I have therapy. Then next week we have booked the whole week off work to have fun together as a couple, and I actually believe that we will do exactly that. And I cannot freakin’ wait.