Tag Archives: MF

A little peak inside my crazy brain

I started the week with a Laparoscopy and it’s got slowly better ever since!

I will post more about that once I’ve had the follow up consultation with the surgeon as it wasn’t as straightforward as they hoped & I don’t understand the implications, or whether further surgery is required prior to my next IVF cycle. I sincerely hope not as I learnt that:

Low blood pressure + general anaesthetic + a nurse that hurries me to pee so that I can go home = Hollie unconscious & not breathing on the toilet! Oops!

Since then my anxiety levels have been crazy high & although I’m exhausted I’m not getting enough sleep. When I do sleep I have really vivid, bizarre dreams. The hubster tells me not to tell people about my dreams as they didn’t actually happen and therefore aren’t remotely interesting. If you’re wondering where he draws the line with this logic he has never read a fiction but likes TV & films – go figure.

So, I figured I’d give you the bare bones of these dreams and we can all try to understand just how crazy I am:

Dream 1
There is a knock at the door and it is a lady carrying two newborns, one with a pink hat & one with a blue hat. They are our embryos from an IVF cycle that we decided to do with a surrogate as my body sucks. I knew that they were put in the surrogate and I knew that she got a BFP. I also knew that her scans had all gone well and when her due date was but I completely refused to acknowledge that I would get babies at the end of her pregnancy, I was only too aware of the things that can go wrong, so I protected myself. We hadn’t told a soul about the surrogate so that we wouldn’t need to tell anyone why there was no baby when things went wrong. When she turned up at our door to hand them over we had nothing, no crib or Moses basket or nappies (diapers). The girl filled her nappy pretty quickly so my mum had to run to the supermarket and buy new nappies and we had to sleep with them in our bed. A problem that I would so love to have!!

Dream 2
I only remember fractions of this dream. A friend that I went to school with and haven’t seen for a few years picked me up to take me somewhere. she was obviously pregnant. In real life she got married last year. When I got home another girl from school was in my bath (?!). She too had a bump. I happen to know that her 3 year old daughter was an IVF baby and that she was treated at my hospital. She said that she had conceived this new baby naturally after living on the endo diet since the birth of her daughter.

Dream 3
D was sat on our stairs completely naked having a chat with me. This is not unusual! The odd bit was that I noticed a cross between worms & maggots crawling out of his scrotum!! They were long and thin and really tiny & they were climbing out of a tiny hole one at a time & were wriggling around on the stairs. I freaked out & D looked embarrassed but said that it had happened before a few times & he had never seen a doctor about it. I decided that this was treatable & causing his infertility.

I think that these mainly boil down to me being one frustrated lady! I am frustrated that I may never have children and even if I do it will be a worry-filled pregnancy. I am frustrated by everybody but me being pregnant. I am frustrated that while I desperately search for the cause of our troubles, western medicine is only interested in circumventing the symptoms. Even though our diagnosis is severe male factor, D has never had to drop his trousers for an inspection, this maddens me. So much so that I would like to start a charity that researches causes of male factor infertility. Maybe I will one day.

I’m still managing to stick to the endo diet, it’s extremely difficult, but I’m doing it. I’m going to start doing weekly weigh ins & we’ll see if I can get to my pre IVF goal weight.

Wish me luck!


Filed under IVF #1 - the aftermath

Goooooooood morning!

Since the trigger shot on Sunday I have had night after night of blissful, uninterrupted, deep, no-dream sleep. I didn’t realise just how long I had gone without it.

I feel like I am slowly starting to resemble the lady that my husband married. I feel reaaaaaally happy. I don’t want this feeling to end.

Grow embies, grow. Stick embies, stick. Mummy loves you already!


Filed under IVF Cycle #1

Fertilisation report

Good morning everybody,

It’s good news! First of all, they called me at 08:52 am on day one after retrieval. How good is that?! I feel absolutely fine post retrieval so far, which is a relief.

Of the 4 eggs that they retrieved, 3 were mature. This was a real WTF moment as I thought they had said yesterday that they retrieved 4 mature eggs, in a way that suggested that perhaps they had retrieved 15 eggs but 4 were mature. But no, retrieved = 4, mature = 3.


Wahooooo! I was convinced that there would be nothing to put back but as it stands they have said that they will call me on Friday morning & let me know whether they will put them back that day (day 3) or if we will wait until Sunday (day 5).

This has all worked out perfectly as I’ve booked Friday onwards as holiday & I can go back to work tomorrow after having just 2 days off sick. I have even said that I will work from home today although I doubt I’ll get much done!

I feel like my normal self today. I had a great nights sleep last night & I’m in a good mood. I did insert the first of my cyclogest tablets this morning though so i guess we’ll see how long that lasts. I’m wearing granny pants and a sanitary towel round the back in anticipation! I wonder if my finger will ever feel clean again after 2 solid weeks of this!!


Filed under IVF Cycle #1

Dildocam update

Hi all,

So scan number 2 showed progress & was generally positive. I now have 13 follicles. The largest is 18mm so it’s grown 4mm in 48 hours! The clinic like to get 3 follicles to 17mm & then they trigger so it seems I’ll probably loose the biggest and go with the ones that are close behind.

Despite 13 follicles, they think that only 6 will be mature upon collection, which is disappointing but ok. That is six chances to get pregnant and I’ve never had one chance before!

They want me back for another scan on Sunday morning with a view to triggering that day & having a Tuesday egg collection. It’s all moving so fast! I guess that’s why they call it the short protocol!

I would be so ecstatic at this news if it wasn’t for 3 silly little things that they said/ did. It kind of reads like a list of things that you don’t want to experience when in the middle of an IVF cycle:

1. The first thing that she said when she’d found an ovary was “You know about your cysts, don’t you?” Erm… I DO NOW! She then back tracked and said that they’re not causing a problem, they’re only small and they’re on my left ovary – the one that only had 2 small follies on Wednesday. Well those follicles have grown and more follicles have been “recruited” so it looks like cysty or not it’s not a big issue & we are go!

2. My doc had originally said that they wanted to scan me and do a blood test on day 5 so I booked in for the scan & at the end of it I asked the doctor where I go for the bloodtest and she said very confidently that they don’t do bloodtests. She said it so confidently that I didn’t argue. I always argue! I had been up since 5am & was tired and sleepy and just went with it. Today on day 7 as a result of my cysts the doc who scanned me today said that they wanted to do a blood test. The nurse who administered the bloodtest asked if it was my day 5 bloodtest, I had to tell her that no it was actually day 7. Then, I noticed a sign on the back of her door referring to day 5 bloodtests. Why did I just let that first idiot doctor convince me that they “don’t do them”?!

3. The second thing that the doc said after entering my hoo-hah, dropping the cyst bomb & applying far too much pressure to be good for me, was “have you had a history of endometriosis?” WTF?!?! 2 years of appointments with fertility specialists, at least 6 separate ultrasounds done by different people, an HSG & a hysteroscopy & no one has ever mentioned endo, although I have often wondered myself as I have very painful periods. Now the cysts hadn’t dawned on me. Even though my doc had mentioned that he suspected PCOS I’d never really believed him or worried about it apart from a potential to suffer from OHSS. How is now an appropriate time to decide I may have endo?! I assume if this cycle is unsuccessful we’ll schedule a lap – oh joy!!

I must snap out of this negative headspace though as today has been good news. Always one to try to prove people wrong, I am now determined to get more than 6 mature eggs.

I’ve cancelled my Saturday plans and I’m going to chill with a book/DVD & distract my over active brain for the next 48hours. And who knows? I may well end up administering the trigger shot from a toilet at the Paralympics on Sunday evening!! Classy!!!


Filed under IVF Cycle #1

Another date with dildocam

Hey ladies,

I’m on the train to my latest scan on day 7 of stims. I had my first scan on day 5. There were 7 follicles: 5 on the right, with the largest measuring 14mm and then 2 small ones on the left. I didn’t get the measurements on any of the others. I was originally told that I was going in for a scan and bloodtest but then when I got there the doc said that they don’t normally do blood tests, which I thought was weird but I went with it. She said that she wanted to see me again in 2 days time and that she expected a lot to happen in 2 days.

They kept my gonal F injection at the same low dosage of 112.5iu & told me to start cetrotide injections, which are nowhere near as fun as Gonal F, although today is my third day on cetrotide and I think I have finally mastered it!

What I hadn’t anticipated was the rush of emotions that I would feel at the scan. As soon as she said we had follicles I was on the verge of happy tears. She showed me the right ovary first and when there were 5 there I nearly burst with happiness. I have been really concerned about OHSS so I was so pleased that I didn’t have too many. I was also worried about not responding as I was on such a low dose of Gonal F but 5 follicles on one ovary felt like a really positive number. Then she switched to the left side and showed me the 2 small follicles and I was immediately disappointed. Obviously 7 is a great number and once I left the room I felt really happy but in there it was such a rollercoaster of emotions that I had not prepared myself for.

This morning I am much more prepared for it and I am excited to see how much growth there has been, if a little nervous! I am hoping that they will start to estimate egg retrieval dates today as the not knowing is killing me!

I’ve got my first acupuncture appt since I started this cycle and I can’t wait to see her, I’ve been seeing her regularly for 16months now and she is so kind and lovely. I know that no matter what they say at the scan, she will make me happy, relaxed and positive by the time I leave the room.

I’ll report back after my scan. Wish me luck! X


Filed under IVF Cycle #1