Tag Archives: pcos

So much to say, so little time to say it…

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I want to blog about my pregnancy & it’s many complications. The Polyhydramnios & Obstetric Cholestasis. I’d like to tell you my birth story. I need to fill you in on the first four-and-a-bit months of parenting, or talk about raising a baby with developmental dysplasia of the hip, who is in a pavlik harness. I could certainly talk about getting Mastitis. Twice.

I will do all of these things in time, when I have the time. But firstly it is about time that I introduce my little lady, Gabriella. She keeps me busy and I am so incredibly grateful for that. She is sweet and cheeky. She smiles so enthusiastically it’s like the top of her head might fall off. She’s developing a sense of humour & often laughs until she is sick or gets the hiccups. She is strong willed & fights every nap like a ninja. She won’t take a dummy, but would quite happily sleep with my nipple in her mouth at all times. She loves music and cuddles apart from when she is overtired, then she wants everyone to SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP LOOKING AT HER.

We’re making this whole parenting lark up as we go and it is the hardest thing that we’ve ever done, but the reward everytime that our gorgeous, goofy little lady gives us a gummy smile makes every sleep-deprived second totally worth it.

World, meet Gabriella:

“And though she be but little, she is fierce”

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I’m being haunted by my dream baby

I read a blog post last night that moved me. Please pop over and send love and positivity to IdioticInfertility as she has had a very tough past few days (weeks, months, years) and is feeling blue.

I read her post aloud to D while we were in bed. I cried as I explained how well she describes all of the negative, hopeless thoughts that rattle round my mind as I contemplate my next cycle. We discussed what an incredible support network the blogging community is and how much her posts and emails have cheered me on through my dark days. I really hope with all my heart that she gets her happy ending and I’ve never even met her. This got me imagining my own happy ending as I drifted off to sleep.

I had the most vivid dream that I have ever had in my life. It was so lifelike, I still struggle to believe that it didn’t actually happen. I had a newborn son. He was biologically ours and I had just given birth to him. The midwife put him in a little babygrow and handed him to me and I could feel his weight. She told me to try breastfeeding him and I could feel his gums on my nipple. I could smell him. I can still picture his face. And when I woke up this morning I had a full second of blissful happiness before reality hit. I do not have a child. It was a dream.

All day I have been daydreaming about this little boy. I feel like this need for a child that has been steadily growing in the pit of my stomach for the last 3 years has always been a faceless hunger. I wanted a baby but I couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t imagine myself being a mother. I just couldn’t believe that it might happen. I have been focusing on squashing my hope, burying it. I could hope for a BFP & if that ever happened then maybe I could hope for a heartbeat at 7 weeks, I could handle the hope in safe little increments, without ever getting too carried away.

This little guy has totally fucked that up. Now I need him. Now I can’t imagine life without him. Now I need to hurry up and book my next cycle and it needs to work.

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A little peak inside my crazy brain

I started the week with a Laparoscopy and it’s got slowly better ever since!

I will post more about that once I’ve had the follow up consultation with the surgeon as it wasn’t as straightforward as they hoped & I don’t understand the implications, or whether further surgery is required prior to my next IVF cycle. I sincerely hope not as I learnt that:

Low blood pressure + general anaesthetic + a nurse that hurries me to pee so that I can go home = Hollie unconscious & not breathing on the toilet! Oops!

Since then my anxiety levels have been crazy high & although I’m exhausted I’m not getting enough sleep. When I do sleep I have really vivid, bizarre dreams. The hubster tells me not to tell people about my dreams as they didn’t actually happen and therefore aren’t remotely interesting. If you’re wondering where he draws the line with this logic he has never read a fiction but likes TV & films – go figure.

So, I figured I’d give you the bare bones of these dreams and we can all try to understand just how crazy I am:

Dream 1
There is a knock at the door and it is a lady carrying two newborns, one with a pink hat & one with a blue hat. They are our embryos from an IVF cycle that we decided to do with a surrogate as my body sucks. I knew that they were put in the surrogate and I knew that she got a BFP. I also knew that her scans had all gone well and when her due date was but I completely refused to acknowledge that I would get babies at the end of her pregnancy, I was only too aware of the things that can go wrong, so I protected myself. We hadn’t told a soul about the surrogate so that we wouldn’t need to tell anyone why there was no baby when things went wrong. When she turned up at our door to hand them over we had nothing, no crib or Moses basket or nappies (diapers). The girl filled her nappy pretty quickly so my mum had to run to the supermarket and buy new nappies and we had to sleep with them in our bed. A problem that I would so love to have!!

Dream 2
I only remember fractions of this dream. A friend that I went to school with and haven’t seen for a few years picked me up to take me somewhere. she was obviously pregnant. In real life she got married last year. When I got home another girl from school was in my bath (?!). She too had a bump. I happen to know that her 3 year old daughter was an IVF baby and that she was treated at my hospital. She said that she had conceived this new baby naturally after living on the endo diet since the birth of her daughter.

Dream 3
D was sat on our stairs completely naked having a chat with me. This is not unusual! The odd bit was that I noticed a cross between worms & maggots crawling out of his scrotum!! They were long and thin and really tiny & they were climbing out of a tiny hole one at a time & were wriggling around on the stairs. I freaked out & D looked embarrassed but said that it had happened before a few times & he had never seen a doctor about it. I decided that this was treatable & causing his infertility.

I think that these mainly boil down to me being one frustrated lady! I am frustrated that I may never have children and even if I do it will be a worry-filled pregnancy. I am frustrated by everybody but me being pregnant. I am frustrated that while I desperately search for the cause of our troubles, western medicine is only interested in circumventing the symptoms. Even though our diagnosis is severe male factor, D has never had to drop his trousers for an inspection, this maddens me. So much so that I would like to start a charity that researches causes of male factor infertility. Maybe I will one day.

I’m still managing to stick to the endo diet, it’s extremely difficult, but I’m doing it. I’m going to start doing weekly weigh ins & we’ll see if I can get to my pre IVF goal weight.

Wish me luck!

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Goooooooood morning!

Since the trigger shot on Sunday I have had night after night of blissful, uninterrupted, deep, no-dream sleep. I didn’t realise just how long I had gone without it.

I feel like I am slowly starting to resemble the lady that my husband married. I feel reaaaaaally happy. I don’t want this feeling to end.

Grow embies, grow. Stick embies, stick. Mummy loves you already!

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Fertilisation report

Good morning everybody,

It’s good news! First of all, they called me at 08:52 am on day one after retrieval. How good is that?! I feel absolutely fine post retrieval so far, which is a relief.

Of the 4 eggs that they retrieved, 3 were mature. This was a real WTF moment as I thought they had said yesterday that they retrieved 4 mature eggs, in a way that suggested that perhaps they had retrieved 15 eggs but 4 were mature. But no, retrieved = 4, mature = 3.

ALL THREE FERTILISED!!!

Wahooooo! I was convinced that there would be nothing to put back but as it stands they have said that they will call me on Friday morning & let me know whether they will put them back that day (day 3) or if we will wait until Sunday (day 5).

This has all worked out perfectly as I’ve booked Friday onwards as holiday & I can go back to work tomorrow after having just 2 days off sick. I have even said that I will work from home today although I doubt I’ll get much done!

I feel like my normal self today. I had a great nights sleep last night & I’m in a good mood. I did insert the first of my cyclogest tablets this morning though so i guess we’ll see how long that lasts. I’m wearing granny pants and a sanitary towel round the back in anticipation! I wonder if my finger will ever feel clean again after 2 solid weeks of this!!

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Is that all?!

Just a very quick one to let you know that my retrieval was this morning. I only got 4 eggs & I am disappointed by that. I am a fit, healthy 27 year old woman, I was hoping for something
more like 8, or even 6. But it’s 4. So here’s hoping that some of them fertilise. Cross your fingers for me.

There were eggs, that’s a good thing. They only took eggs from the right ovary as the left one had a chocolate cyst & they didn’t want to spread infection by aspirating the others on that side. So it sounds like I do have endo. That’s not a good thing.

I’m all but giving up on this cycle. It’s been a learning experience & I know I could easily do it again, maybe after Xmas. I really want to go out and drunkenly dance like the carefree person I used to be. Maybe if nothing fertilises that’s what I’ll do.

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Dildocam update

Hi all,

So scan number 2 showed progress & was generally positive. I now have 13 follicles. The largest is 18mm so it’s grown 4mm in 48 hours! The clinic like to get 3 follicles to 17mm & then they trigger so it seems I’ll probably loose the biggest and go with the ones that are close behind.

Despite 13 follicles, they think that only 6 will be mature upon collection, which is disappointing but ok. That is six chances to get pregnant and I’ve never had one chance before!

They want me back for another scan on Sunday morning with a view to triggering that day & having a Tuesday egg collection. It’s all moving so fast! I guess that’s why they call it the short protocol!

I would be so ecstatic at this news if it wasn’t for 3 silly little things that they said/ did. It kind of reads like a list of things that you don’t want to experience when in the middle of an IVF cycle:

1. The first thing that she said when she’d found an ovary was “You know about your cysts, don’t you?” Erm… I DO NOW! She then back tracked and said that they’re not causing a problem, they’re only small and they’re on my left ovary – the one that only had 2 small follies on Wednesday. Well those follicles have grown and more follicles have been “recruited” so it looks like cysty or not it’s not a big issue & we are go!

2. My doc had originally said that they wanted to scan me and do a blood test on day 5 so I booked in for the scan & at the end of it I asked the doctor where I go for the bloodtest and she said very confidently that they don’t do bloodtests. She said it so confidently that I didn’t argue. I always argue! I had been up since 5am & was tired and sleepy and just went with it. Today on day 7 as a result of my cysts the doc who scanned me today said that they wanted to do a blood test. The nurse who administered the bloodtest asked if it was my day 5 bloodtest, I had to tell her that no it was actually day 7. Then, I noticed a sign on the back of her door referring to day 5 bloodtests. Why did I just let that first idiot doctor convince me that they “don’t do them”?!

3. The second thing that the doc said after entering my hoo-hah, dropping the cyst bomb & applying far too much pressure to be good for me, was “have you had a history of endometriosis?” WTF?!?! 2 years of appointments with fertility specialists, at least 6 separate ultrasounds done by different people, an HSG & a hysteroscopy & no one has ever mentioned endo, although I have often wondered myself as I have very painful periods. Now the cysts hadn’t dawned on me. Even though my doc had mentioned that he suspected PCOS I’d never really believed him or worried about it apart from a potential to suffer from OHSS. How is now an appropriate time to decide I may have endo?! I assume if this cycle is unsuccessful we’ll schedule a lap – oh joy!!

I must snap out of this negative headspace though as today has been good news. Always one to try to prove people wrong, I am now determined to get more than 6 mature eggs.

I’ve cancelled my Saturday plans and I’m going to chill with a book/DVD & distract my over active brain for the next 48hours. And who knows? I may well end up administering the trigger shot from a toilet at the Paralympics on Sunday evening!! Classy!!!

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